MADISON Wisconsin (AF NEWS) - In a stunning news announcement being widely circulated on the internet by me, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker is expected to announce his resignation from the post at noon, on the Capitol Steps. Walker, besieged by rampant discord and non-stop protests, has indicated he just can't bear the stress anymore of running a state.
Walker began his remarks by indicating that he had grown wary of the Tea Party and disillusioned with the allure of the Koch brothers. Regarding the Tea Party, he opined that the modern movement would have better support today if, back in 1776, the founding fathers had thrown something other than tea off the ship. "I mean, for real, why couldn't it have been good old-fashioned reefer?" Like, if we were the BUD party, no one would be challenging us. Dude, we'd all just get be getting along. It would be really, groovy, man."
Taking shots at the Koch brothers, Walker reported that, indeed, he had been on the roll, so to speak. "But what I didn't know is that it's not the PAYroll. It's the TOILET PAPER roll." They've given me more toilet paper than I could ever use. And they're really stingy, too. It's only 1-ply." He added, "Did you know their companies also produce fertilizer? They've got it in excess because of all the [sic] that they spread around."
He reports that the last straw, however, was his complete misunderstanding of the effects of the so-called union busting bill. "I mean, no one told me that this would close the UW's Memorial Union." Now where can I go to get beer without being carded?"
Asked about what he'll miss about the job, Walker cited the beautiful architecture of the Capitol building. "I really loved standing in the middle, at the bottom of the rotunda, shouting 'Echo! Echo! Hellooooo!'"
But he took one last parting shot at the 14 Democratic senators whose walkout stalled the stealth passage of the budget repair bill, guffawing as he recounted, "They'll never be able to prove i was the one who put the thumbtacks on their chairs while they were in Illinois!"